You Lucky Barstard! does not make us feel like unusually-pronounced lucky bastards when we played it. You know why? No? You wanna? Good, because we’ve got enough bullet points to do a pretty decent drive-by. Observe the truth behind this odd little offering…
• The mascot seems to be a self-tanned, greasy-haired, creepy sparkly man in a bejeweled suit. And he’s pointing at you with a big diamond ring on his pinky because he’s probably a Mediterranean pimp.
• So we’ve got three reels, one pay line. That’s it. Just like the slots grandpa used to play when he was “managing” “models” in the Mediterranean!
• The background is a blue and purple… thing with about fifty thousand BAR graphics crammed across it
• Seeing as the name is so terrible it is legally required to be a strained pun, the BAR graphics are literally the only symbols in this game. BAR as far as they eye can see. Unfortunately none of the bars offer alcohol or a similar nervous-system-depressant to take away the memory of this godforsaken game.
• There is a running scroll at the top of the screen that has terrible phrases like ‘AVE A SPIN! written in jilted text, like you’re reading it upside-down on a calculator.
• The overall look and feel of the slot is so horrific we wouldn’t wish it on our least favourite bookie. At least it’s quite inspiring because after we played You Lucky Barstard, we really really wanted to go to the bar. And drown our sorrows.